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EMOTIONAL HEALING

Spousal Abuse Behind the Pulpit

By LaVonia W. Heade
Guest Columnist

CBN.com -- The years have passed but I still hear the screams and cries of their shock as my family and friends heard of my husband's suicide.

God had used him in a dynamic way to preach the Gospel throughout the nation, but on July 9, 1991, Herman Heade attended his last church service -- his funeral.

Our dearest friend, Chuck Colson, preached his eulogy in remembrance of the years Herman worked as an evangelist for his organization, Prison Fellowship, before receiving his ordinations -- first into the Baptist, and later into the Episcopal church.

Herman and I met on a cool, crisp day -- October 8, 1978 -- when Herman visited my church in Washington, D.C. His charisma radiated throughout the church as he shared his reason for being in the area.

I was truly impressed and nearly got whiplash straining to see if there was a wedding band on his finger. Since his finger was bare, I introduced myself to him after the service. We talked during lunch, and he shared that he was just released from prison and was living in a halfway house nearby.

I was further impressed when Herman mentioned that he had accepted Christ in prison while reading Billy Graham's book, Peace With God.

All in all, I was so smitten by Herman that we married two months later.

Soon after our marriage, Herman began to talk about suicide, which pierced my inner soul. I pleaded with him not to do this because I loved him and, by this time, we had a beautiful daughter to raise.

These suicide threats were later accompanied by verbal and occasional physical abuse. Over time, I learned how to dance to the music of the "cycle of abuse."

The cycle of abuse begins with dancing cheek-to-cheek during the honeymoon period, as you are charmed with gifts and attention to make up for past mistreatment.

The tempo picks up as you waltz down the lane of verbal insults.

You begin to cha-cha when you discover he's dating another minister's wife.

You know the cycle has reached its peak when you find yourself doing a break dance after being slapped upside your head.

I believe Satan orchestrates this cycle because most victims experience it pretty much the same way. Escalating self-pity and anger that flares into violence, followed by a time of remorse and extra-nice behavior ... that deteriorates into self-pity and anger that flares again into violence, followed by a time of remorse ... and on and on.

The Bible says our battle is not against flesh and blood but evil spiritual beings in heavenly places who go about as "roaring lions," seeking whom they may devour.

The Bible also counsels us to resist these evil spirits, but it's hard to do when they are living in the person closest to you in all the world.

Since both Herman and I were leaders in our church, I could not share my experiences with anyone close to us, so I cried out to Almighty God for help.

I also sought forgiveness for not seeking God's will before marrying Herman. I had thought that marriage to a Christian who was a minister of the Gospel would bring me happiness.

Exodus 34:6-7 says that God will not leave the guilty unpunished, visiting the iniquity of fathers on the children and on the grandchildren to the third and fourth generations. I later realized that my husband had not been delivered from the shackles of a generational curse within his family.

Herman's parents were divorced. As a child, his father would leave him alone for days on end to take care of himself, which severely traumatized him.

His father also had several children by a number of women -- more behavior which did not provide Herman with a positive role model of what a father or husband should be.

It gets more complicated.

I once asked God why I had been attracted to Herman, and He reminded me that because of a broken relationship and family problems, I had attempted suicide when I was 18 years old.

He brought to my remembrance that depression and other mental health issues were in my immediate family, as well.

That's when I realized that the same "spirit of suicide/murder" was hovering over both Herman and me.

What the Lord was showing me was that we were first attracted because of our generational curses and by the evil spirits that operated through them.

We both needed deliverance from those curses and those evil spirits, but at that time I did not know what we were dealing with. I didn't know about demons, or about how to get and to keep deliverance. We were at the Devil's mercy!

I tried everything I knew, everything within my power, to save my marriage, but finally realized I had to place it on the altar before God, who was so merciful towards my husband by giving him several years to repent.

Herman knew that he was tormented by his past, but accepted the call to become an Episcopal priest in a church in Mount Vernon, New York.

I was reluctant to relocate from Northern Virginia, but Herman wanted the assignment to minister and felt that, by relocating, he might escape what he called "my demons." Little did he or I know just how real those demons were.

So we sold our beautiful five-bedroom home and moved north.

After being at this new church for two months, the vestry members informed us that they could no longer pay my husband's salary, and that we had to move immediately from the house they had just purchased for us.

We were devastated! And this experience led Herman into even greater depression.

A few days later-while I was lying in bed, and my eight-year-old daughter stood in the doorway, crying, my husband came and stood over me with a brass lamp saying, "If you don't tell me you love me, I will kill you." I was overcome with terror and confessed my love for him.

He immediately left the room, and God spoke to my spirit and said, "Run, and don't look back."

Later that day, I called the police to escort me and my daughter out of the house. They were surprised when I told them that Herman was their police chaplain. Herman was also surprised to see the police at his home.

At last, I felt I was regaining some of my power of choice. My daughter and I were able to leave; we were "on the run" for a month, living with family and friends. I felt like a fugitive being hounded by the FBI.

During this time, the Episcopal Church leaders decided to send Herman to a mental hospital for ministers who need help. There, he received three weeks of intensive counseling, but no deliverance from the spiritual enemy.

After his treatment, I decided to give my marriage another chance, and returned to Herman from my forty days of relative freedom from fear.

I returned not knowing where we would be living, since we had been told to vacate the church's house.

Just as in Genesis 22:14, God had a "ram in the bush" for us. He had Herman introduced to the pastor of a church in New York City who ministered to the homeless community --which included us at that moment.

Herman accepted a ministerial assignment with that church; they rented a house for us, and we were a family again.

Now, although Herman was able to teach and preach the Word of God, his prayers had been hindered -- as men are warned in I Peter 3:7 -- because he did not honor me as a "joint heir of the grace of life" in Jesus.

So although he tried to be a good husband and father, we were happy for only a few more months. Then the pattern of abuse raised its ugly head again, and the evil spirit in Herman attacked me with such violence that it shook me to the marrow of my bones.

When he grabbed me by the collar and threw me up against the bedroom wall, my eyes were finally opened, and-after twelve years of marriage I came out of denial. I knew that if I stayed with the man I loved, I would die, and leave my child to his mistreatment.

So I silently cried to the Lord to give me one more chance to leave.

God told me, "Go quickly, because I am going to exercise Psalm 18, and come Myself to clean house."

For a couple of days, I was in shock. Then, suddenly the urgency of God's message hit me, and I packed like a "mad woman," running up and down four flights of stairs, gathering my belongings to carry to the car.

Suddenly, I noticed there were three men outside repairing the street. My next door neighbor said he had been calling the city for 20 years to do this repair work and they finally showed up that day. I thought, "That's odd," and forgot it for the moment.

Herman showed up a few minutes later, and asked where was I going. He did not attempt to hinder my departure because the street repairmen were watching, and Herman was very sensitive about what people thought about his public behavior.

I did not realize the significance of the men's being there until a few days after my daughter and I left New York.

My daughter said, "Mama, the men who were working outside the house when we left New York were wearing crosses around their necks." I realized that God had dispatched his people -- perhaps his angels -- to protect us as we made our final escape.

Two weeks later, my husband committed suicide.

I am compelled to uncover the wounds of my heart by sharing my story with the hope that abusers will repent, all victims will be delivered and healed, and families restored to live according to God's plan.

Today, as I walk through my season of widowhood, I can testify to God's word in Isaiah 54:5 that God is my faithful husband. When my heart is aching, He is my comforter as John 14:18 promises He will be. He's my provider according to Genesis 22:14. I can rest with assurance when I read Hebrews 13:5 and know that HE WILL NEVER LEAVE OR FORSAKE ME.

Dear reader, if you are abused, or have abused someone, God wants to help you! Deliverance is real. Seek mature spiritual counsel-and get delivered. Nothing else will do. .

Are you in an abusive situation? Are you struggling as an abuser? We want to help. Please e-mail one of our CBN Counselors -- or call The 700 Club Prayer Counseling Center at 1-800-759-0700 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.

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