Part I
Part II
Performance Emphasis
Opportunities to minister are abundant in most churches. Yet in a
controlling church, individual areas of ministry are no longer opportunities
to serve. They become necessary in order to prove one’s commitment
to the organization. Whether it is faithful attendance to worship
services or working in some department, proving one’s loyalty
becomes the key.
Obviously church attendance is vital to our spiritual growth. But
if we find ourselves attending church so we can win favor with the
pastor or to earn his trust, then we have missed the point.
Galatians 2:16 tells us, “A man is not justified by the works
of the law but by faith in Jesus Christ.” We cannot earn heaven
or God’s love. The message of God’s grace doesn’t
cancel the need to serve – it just exposes the “why”
of our service.
Even though we are instructed to engage in certain disciplines in
the Christian life, these disciplines are not a means of gaining God’s
acceptance. They are meant to be a celebration of His unconditional
love and mercy.
Fear Motivation
When a pastor tells his congregation that those who leave his church
or disobey his authority are in danger of God’s wrath, you can
be sure this man is operating in a spirit of control. He is attempting
to sue fear as a carnal means of keeping people in his church. The
line usually goes like this: “If you leave our church, the blessing
of God will be lifted from your life, and you will miss God’s
will.” Another version says, “If you leave our church,
you will be in rebellion, and Satan will be free to bring havoc into
your life.”
Fear is the motivation behind such comments -- not love. You can
be sure that this type of reasoning is not from God. Jesus never motivated
men out of fear. In a controlling church, fear is a form of manipulation.
Instead of motivating people through love and servant hood, a controlling
church tries to motivate through manipulation. Motivating people through
fear is a direct contradiction to 1 John 4:18, which says, “There
is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear.”
Painful Exit
In a controlling church, it is impossible to leave on good terms.
Because the pastor’s sense of worth is usually based on the
control he is able to exert over the congregation, when someone leaves,
this insecure leader considers it an affront to his leadership. Therefore
he often takes it personally. As a result, when people do leave, they
are labeled rebellious, or the rest of the congregation is given the
explanation that they left because they had become offended.
In an unhealthy church, there is never a good reason why anyone should
leave. Regardless of the situation, the people who leave are always
the “problem.”
This truism present in abusive churches applies not only to members,
but to church staff as well. In one particular church, each time a
staff member left, the senior person did his best to cast a shadow
over that person’s reputation in the hope that it would destroy
any chance of that person succeeding without him someplace else.
Tyrone was a youth minister at a church like this. One of the first
conflicts he had with the senior pastor took place after a special
youth outreach that Tyrone headed up. It was a skateboard outreach.
Tyrone went over the idea and details with the senior pastor, informing
the pastor that the outreach would require bringing in a guest speaker.
Once everything was given the OK, Tyrone proceeded with the outreach.
It was a bigger success than anyone had anticipated. Approximately
two thousand kids came for the different skateboard rallies that were
held over a period of three days.
But instead of being excited about the results, the senior pastor
became angry. He told Tyrone that he was unhappy with the even because
“it took over the whole church.” Tyrone suspected that
the pastor felt upstaged by the response. “It was the talk of
the church for some time,” Tyrone said.
Tyrone went on to clarify, “I came on staff there not only
to build a successful youth ministry, but also to be mentored in the
things of ministry.” Tyrone continued by saying that this position
was his first ministry position, and he knew he had a lot to learn.
But he was willing to do so.
It soon became apparent that the pastor had a different idea concerning
Tyrone’s position. Tyrone discovered that his job description
also involved shoveling the pastor’s drive, picking up his dry
cleaning, starting his car for him in the winter and cleaning out
his pool in the summer. “I didn’t mind doing any of that,”
Tyrone said. “I was just expecting more input from the pastor
in the area of ministry.”
Tyrone continued by explaining, “A lot of the conflict was
due to our differing perspectives concerning my position as well as
our views about ministry.” After about one year, it was mutually
decided that it would be better if Tyrone resigned in light of “philosophical
differences” between the senior pastor and himself.
Tyrone told the pastor that after resigning, he would be moving to
Kentucky. He asked the pastor if he could use him as a reference when
he applied for another position. The senior pastor assured Tyrone
that he would give him a positive recommendation. However, before
Tyrone and his wife moved to Kentucky, a staff member of the church
delivered a statement typed out on the church’s letterhead.
The statement was an explanation as to why Tyrone was “discharged”
from his position as youth pastor.
Tyrone and his wife were shocked. Based on their previous conversation,
Tyrone was under the impression that they had reached a mutual decision
that being there at the church just wasn’t a good “fit.”
The statement described all the things that Tyrone had done wrong
while he was at that church and stated that the senior pastor didn’t
believe Tyrone was “ministry material.” It also said that
Tyrone did not have a servant’s heart and that the pastor even
seriously doubted the validity of Tyrone’s relationship with
God.
Shortly after Tyrone and his wife arrived in Kentucky, Tyrone heard
of a job opening in a church in their new city. He applied in person
for the position and left the pastor his resume. Within a few days,
they met with the pastor of this new church. He informed Tyrone that
when the church board called the previous church about a recommendation,
his former church sent the same letter they gave Tyrone before he
left. Based on such a poor recommendation, the pastor informed Tyrone
that they could not consider him for the position.
Shortly after this incident, Tyrone and his wife started a church
in Kentucky. Ten years later their church is thriving and healthy.
Many times in an abusive church you will hear the pastor declare
curses over the lives of those who have left. Accusations are made
against their character, and other members are strongly discouraged
from having any contact with the former members. I heard one pastor,
while preaching, refer to a former staff member as a spiritual “whore”
because he left and took another ministry position in another state.
It is true that many people leave churches for the wrong reasons.
But in a controlling church, rarely – if ever – is anyone
truly blessed by the leadership as they leave.
What Can I Do About It?
How should you respond if your church displays one or more of these
unhealthy traits? Here’s some advice:
Talk with your pastor or someone else in leadership about your concerns,
keeping in mind that if he is truly motivated by a spirit of control
you may encounter some manipulation during the conversation. Stay
in a humble attitude rather than getting angry or defensive.
A controlling church leader will discourage you from speaking with
anyone else about your concerns. However, the Bible says that “in
the multitude of counselors there is safety” (Prov. 11:14).
Seek counsel from a mature, objective leader in another church or
another mature Christian. It is possible that what you have perceived
as a controlling attitude may be genuine concern – so pray for
discernment.
If after receiving counsel you are convinced that your church is
in the grip of a controlling spirit, then you are free to leave. You
are not responsible for anyone else who is still loyal to the church,
so don’t try to rescue them. Pray for those people to discern
the situation.
At first you may feel that you can’t trust another pastor again,
but resist those thoughts and find a healthy church where the life
of God is flowing, where the Bible is preached without compromise
and where love is evident.
One couple went through the process of leaving an abusive church.
The pastor did everything he could to discredit them and malign their
character. Initially, they both were frightened that they would be
blacklisted from every church in their community. At first, they wanted
to defend their character. It seemed that this pastor continued to
have control over their lives even after they left. They wondered
if they would ever be able to escape his influence.
Finally, they realized that God was their defense and protection.
Instead of defending themselves, they decided to pray for their former
pastor. The more they prayed for him, the less threatening he became
in their minds. The anger they first had toward the pastor was replaced
with compassion. As time passed, they realized that he didn’t
have as much influence as they had initially thought. Because they
had kept their hearts pure, they were able to find another church
and to continue to grow spiritually.
There is life after spiritual abuse. You may be tempted to feel that
you will never escape the controlling grasp of an abusive leader.
Satan will cause you to think that the controlling leader’s
influence is greater than it really is. Don’t give in to Satan’s
intimidation. Trust God to be your strength and your defense. Keep
your heart tender. Pray for those who have used you, and bless those
who have cursed you. If you will do these things, you will discover
a sure path that God has prepared for you as well as His destiny for
your life.
God has a healthy church for you. The Good Shepherd is fully able
to lead you into a green pasture where you can grow in your relationship
with Him (Ps. 23:2). As you allow Him to lead you, He will also anoint
your head with oil, healing any wounds you encountered in an abusive
environment (v. 5).
Copyright 2001 Mike Fehlauer. All rights reserved.
Look for the third and final installment of this series later this
week.
Excerpted from Exposing Spiritual Abuse by Mike Fehlauer.
Mike Fehlauer is pastor of Tree of Life Church in New Braunfels, Texas.
He is also the founder and director of Foundation Ministries. He travels
extensively throughout the United States and the world, sharing God’s
message of love, hope and restoration. He and his wife, Bonnie, also
hold marriage and family life conferences. They have two grown children.
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