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CBN.com – "I didn’t want to sing again, I didn’t want to get on a platform, and, frankly, I thought, ‘How could I even minister to anybody?’ I need ministering to," says Tammy Trent.
But Tammy is singing again…and ministering to thousands of people at Women of Faith conferences across the country. Two years ago on September 11, Tammy lost her husband Trent in a diving accident. The couple was on vacation in Jamaica.
"I close my eyes and I can see Trent," she says. "I can see him having lunch across the table from me. I can see him slip into the water and wave good-bye to me."
Water
carries bittersweet memories for Tammy. Trent loved it, and he also loved
Tammy from the time they were 15 years old.
"He treasured me—every single day. He was faithful, consistent. I totally understood God’s love, God’s mercy, God’s grace, God’s forgiveness because of the way that my husband forgave me, loved me, covered me, showed me grace, showed me mercy."
It has now been two years since Trent tragically died. Lisa Ryan recently talked with Tammy about how she is coping now.
LISA RYAN: How are you doing?
TAMMY TRENT: There are days I feel so strong, and there are days I feel so broken and empty still, but I’ve come to know so many people through it who I’ve never known before who’ve prayed for me daily. I know it’s because of those prayers—those are the moments that I wake up and say I can fight through this. I know they’re also the moments that cover me when I’m broken.
LISA RYAN: Where are you in that journey? Grieving, healing—it’s a process.
TAMMY TRENT: I’m in my weakest hours, but when we are weak, He is strong. It’s when He’s so strong He works through us that’s what people see when they’re like, 'You’re amazing and so strong and what a woman of God,' and I’m like, 'Girl, I am not, but what you see is God,' and that’s the cool part of the story. That’s the cool part of living for Jesus. If you’re seeing something in me, it’s because of God, it’s not me.
LISA RYAN: Do you ever wonder why it seems like God takes the good ones home early?
TAMMY TRENT: Definitely because I think you just want to have a conversation with Jesus and say, 'I don’t get it. God, I don’t understand.' But, I think, Lisa, I’ve gotten to the place where I had to fight through all of those questions, and then I said, 'No more questions. No more. Jesus, it’s time for me to say, "What now for my life?"'
LISA RYAN: You have journaled by e-mail over the last couple of years and you’ve been very honest and vulnerable.
TAMMY TRENT: I decided to journal because I’d get thousands of e-mails it seems like every week and I think it’s what Trent would want. He’d still want to be touching somebody’s life, so it’s me sort of living that out. It’s me being vulnerable, just sort of opening up my heart to everybody here, and it’s painful, but Trent, you were amazing, and I want to tell the world about you.
LISA RYAN: Trent still has a legacy.
TAMMY
TRENT: Definitely. There were almost 2,000 people at his funeral, and
I know many people got saved that day. I know many people are getting saved
still. And I know as hard as it is for me to still take a platform to still
get up and share the story, night after night, in it, people are still coming
to know Jesus, people I’ve never met, people Trent has never met, so
there is life in the midst of death. Those are the things I try to hang onto
that get me through another day.
LISA RYAN (reporting): Tammy took a full year off after Trent’s death, and then she began writing songs again.
TAMMY TRENT: One of the first songs I wrote sitting on this couch with some candles lit and a friend was here with a guitar and he just started playing that melody and I just started singing, 'I love you. I need you. I praise you Father God. Father God I still love you.' It was the very first thing I shared with 20,000 women. After I was done with that song—sometimes I have this fight in me—just 'Go, Tammy, keep moving.' I was just in this moment by myself. I opened up my eyes and saw 20,000 women standing to their feet clapping their hands. It was just like, 'We love you; we are praying for you; we’re supporting you. Keep going, girl. You’re making a difference; you’re changing the world; keep breathing; keep moving; keep going.' All I could do was just stand there and cry. I just looked at them all, and I just said, 'Thank you. Thank you.' It’s like God also knew what I needed in that. That was enough to say OK, I’ll get up and do it again next weekend.
LISA RYAN: Have people tried to rush your grieving, healing process?
TAMMY TRENT: There have been some people, but overall people who knew Trent and I, they totally understand it. I was so complete in Trent. I was so fulfilled in Trent. As far as marriage, I feel like my cup is full…I lived it; I experienced it. I have other empty cups in my life, but that cup was full.
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